How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
