Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
