anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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