She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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