franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
