Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
