Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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