Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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