I just cut my nipple shaving
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
