I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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