So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
