It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
