respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
