When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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