Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I didn't notice because vodka
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
