90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
