Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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