How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
