You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
