You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
