alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
