Your face is a jimmy john
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Randomize
