Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
