I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
