we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
