How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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