Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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