I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
