but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
