Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
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