also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I think a kid would responsible me up
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
