i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
