i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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