he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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