remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
