Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
