so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
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