She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
