He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
