Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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