Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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