May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
