You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
