He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
