One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
