I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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