so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
