Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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