If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
