I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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