I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
